You had met him at the park. He was throwing food to the birds. It wasn't bread though. You think it was moving. Maybe it was worms. You could ask him but you weren't gonna do that right now. Now was not the time, because you were on a date. With who? Michael Cera. First dates are always awkward, but he was being super awkward. He told you you smelt nice when you hugged at the door, and then told you that his grandma had the same tablecloth as you do. He then went on and on about his grandma, ending with, "Yeah... she's dead now..." You didn't really know how to respond, so you just sat down at the table instead. He didn't really get the hint that you wanted him to sit too, so he stood up for about two minutes before you said, "You can sit down by the way." Once he sat down, you asked him his hobbies, what he did for a living, favorite color, yknow, basic first date stuff. Every one of his answers were very odd. One of his hobbies was painting horses, but he admitted that he wasn't very good. He showed you a painting he took a picture of, and it looked like a child had drawn it. You weren't even sure if he used paint to paint it. You decided to get the food heated up and ready to eat. You had made spaghetti an hour before and it had cooled down since then, so just a few minutes on the stove and it'd be ready to serve. "I'm gonna warm up the food now," you said as you got up. "What'd you make?" he asked. "It's spaghetti, I hope you don't mind," you replied. He was quiet for a second. "Did you use oregano?" Of course you used oregano. It's like one of the main ingredients. "Yeah. I did," you said with a "duh" tone. "Oh." You dropped the subject and brought the oregano infested spaghetti to the table. You asked if he had any pets. As he scooped his spaghetti onto his plate he told you how he had no pets, but he liked to visit the zoo a lot. He said he really admired the orangutans, and would have one as a pet if he could. The night went on. After dinner you watched some Netflix. He showed you the shows and movies that he was featured in, but refused to watch them with you. You settled on watching some kids animated movie, chosen by Michael. You weren't really paying attention, but Michael sure was. You wanted to make a move on him, but he was so invested in the movie that you were pretty sure if you touched him he would scream in fear. Suddenly he looked at you and asked, "Hey, where's your washroom?" You pointed in your bathroom's general direction and said, "Down the hall. Second door to the right." "Thanks," he said as he got up to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes you heard a flush and got ready for him to sit down, fixing your hair and waiting, but he never came out. You heard another. Then you heard air freshener being sprayed. After the third flush you decided to check on him. You knocked on the door. "Just a minute!" he said with a panicked voice. "What's going on?" you asked as he flushed for the fourth time. "Um.... every time I'm done peeing i realize i have to pee again." His voice sounded distant now, like he was moving farther away from you, but your bathroom wasn't that big, so it didn't make sense. You decided to open the door now, you warned him, "Michael, I'm going to open the door now." You heard some shuffling and then, "Oh no you don't have to do that." But it was too late. The door was open now. You were greeted with the smell of human shit, slightly masked with lavender. You saw Michael halfway through the window. He looked stuck. It was a pretty tiny window. You're not sure how he thought he would fit through there. "What are you doing?!" you almost yelled. He sort of hung his head and said quietly, "Oregano makes me shit."